Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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