its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
