I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
