i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
