I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
