the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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