he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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