Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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