I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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