I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
