Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
