Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
