shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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