he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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