i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
