just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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