hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
