the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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