How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
