If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
