i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
