you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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