the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
