i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
