have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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