woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Boobs speak an international language.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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