Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
