The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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