your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
