I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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