I can text with my tongue
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
why is half of my head shaved?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
