Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
