can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
