So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
