so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
