You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
