i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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