Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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