I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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