Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
