You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
