I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
