I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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