That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
