Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
