Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
