Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
cat food counts as protein by the way
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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