I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
