You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
