when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
