He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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